Wednesday, May 16, 2012

ppssttt...to the little man behind the curtain,i have a message for you...



your game is nearly done
you will no longer hold the pawn
for he will be out of your hands
you will have no power here 
your smoke and fire will be mere embers

left for you to walk upon



soon i will purge you and
cast you out forever 
locking the gates behind you
you
will no longer exist in my realm
for with you
i will purge your threats 
upon my life  
or of never seeing our son again
your nightmares
your heinous words
chanting over and over to me
that i was fat lazy unattractive
worthless useless and pathetic
that i had nothing worthwhile to say
and i was a waste of the air i breathe
and so many many more 
along with their odious echoes


i will purge every piece
of every promise 
you've broken to me
our son
your daughter
and return them to you now
with the full force 
of each of your screams
each of your lies
your physical abuse
your self hatred
projected upon us
gathered into one

may you now feel the pain
which you have inflicted 
upon us all for so many years
may you and only you 
now carry your burdens alone


and may you carry them
till the day you stand 
in judgement before God




       

Saturday, May 5, 2012

HELP ARREST JOSEPH KONY BY 12/31/2012

WE MUST STOP JOSEPH KONY FROM MAKING CHILD SOLDIERS...
                                           AND MURDERING THOSE WHO WILL NOT COMPLY...
                                                                        AND OTHER CRIMES AGAINST CHILDREN...

HAVE YOU SEEN INVISIBLE CHILDREN'S KONY 2012 FILM?...  


Tuesday, April 24, 2012

New device removes stroke-causing blood clots better than standard treatment


New device removes stroke-causing blood clots better than standard treatment
Date: 02/03/2012
Contact: Amy Albin 
An experimental device for removing blood clots in stroke patients dramatically outperformed the standard mechanical treatment, according to research presented by UCLA Stroke Center director Dr. Jeffrey L. Saver at the American Stroke Association's 2012 international conference in New Orleans on Feb. 3.
The SOLITAIRE Flow Restoration Device is among an entirely new generation of devices designed to remove blood clots from blocked brain arteries in patients experiencing stroke. It has a self-expanding, stent-like design and, once inserted into a clot using a thin catheter tube, it compresses and traps the clot. The clot is then removed by withdrawing the device, thus reopening the blocked blood vessel.
In the first U.S. clinical trial of SOLITAIRE, the device opened blocked vessels without causing symptomatic bleeding in or around the brain in 61 percent of patients. The standard Food and Drug Administration–approved mechanical device — a corkscrew-type clot remover called the MERCI Retriever — was effective in 24 percent of cases.
The use of the new device also led to better survival three months after a stroke. There was a 17.2 percent mortality rate with the new device, compared with a 38.2 percent rate with the older one.
"This new device heralds a new era in acute stroke care," said Saver, the study's lead author and a professor of neurology at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA. "We are going from our first generation of clot-removing procedures, which were only moderately good in reopening target arteries, to now having a highly effective tool. This really is a game-changing result."
About 87 percent of all strokes are caused by blood clots blocking a blood vessel supplying the brain. The stroke treatment that has received the most study is the FDA–approved clot-busting drug known as tissue plasminogen activator, but this drug must be given within four-and-a-half hours after the onset of stroke symptoms, and even more quickly in older patients.
When clot-busting drugs cannot be used or are ineffective, the clot can sometimes be mechanically removed during, or beyond, the four-and-a-half–hour window. The current study, however, did not compare mechanical clot removal to drug treatment. 
For the trial, called SOLITAIRE With the Intention for Thrombectomy (SWIFT), researchers randomly assigned 113 stroke patients at 18 hospitals to receive either SOLITAIRE or MERCI therapy within eight hours of stroke onset, between January 2010 and February 2011. The patients' average age was 67, and 68 percent were male. The time from the beginning of stroke symptoms to the start of the clot-retriever treatment averaged 5.1 hours. Forty percent of the patients had not improved with standard clot-busting medication prior to the study, while the remainder had not received it. 
At the suggestion of a safety monitoring committee, the trial was ended nearly a year earlier than planned due to significantly better outcomes with the experimental device.
Other statistically significant findings included:
  • 2 percent of SOLITAIRE-treated patients had symptoms of bleeding in the brain, compared with 11 percent of MERCI patients.
  • At the 90-day follow-up, overall adverse event rates, including bleeding in the brain, were similar for the two devices.
  • 58 percent of SOLITAIRE-treated patients had good mental/motor functioning at 90 days, compared with 33 percent of MERCI patients.
  • The SOLITARE device also opened more vessels when used as the first treatment approach, necessitating fewer subsequent attempts with other devices or drugs.
"Nearly a decade ago, our UCLA Stroke Center team invented the first stroke retrieval device — the MERCI Retriever — and now we are pleased to have helped develop and successfully test a superior, next-generation clot removing device," said Dr. Reza Jahan, associate professor of radiology at UCLA and the study's principal neurointerventional investigator, who also led the pre-clinical studies. "It is exciting to have a highly effective new tool that can improve the outcomes for more stroke patients."
Additional co-authors included Dr. Elad Levy, Dr. Tudor G. Jovin, Dr. Blaise Baxter, Dr. Raul Nogueira, Dr. Wayne Clark, Dr. Ronald Budzik, Dr. Osama O. Zaidat and the SWIFT trial investigators.
Saver and Jahan received compensation from Covidien as scientific consultants for the design and conduct of the trial.
Covidien, the device manufacturer, funded the study. Although not yet approved in the United States, SOLITAIRE is used in Europe.
The UCLA Stroke Center, recognized as one of the world's leading centers for the management of cerebral vascular disease, treats simple and complex vascular disorders by incorporating recent developments in emergency medicine, stroke neurology, microneurosurgery, interventional neuroradiology, stereotactic radiology, neurointensive care, neuroanesthesiology and rehabilitation neurology. The program is unique in its ability to integrate clinical and research activities across multiple disciplines and departments. Founded in 1994, the UCLA Stroke Center is designated as a certified Primary Stroke Center by the national Joint Commission on Accreditation of Healthcare Organizations.
For more news, visit the UCLA Newsroom and follow us on Twitter

Saturday, April 14, 2012

IF YOU CAN'T ACCEPT ME OR JUST DON'T LIKE ME......DON'T PRETEND YOU DO!!

you know who you are...and now so do i. i do not need FAKE  friends who blow smoke up my ass one minute and then ignore me for THE COOL CROWD the next. all i had to do was compare your time lines. i don't know what kind of SHITS and GRINS you gained from this,but I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THAT WAY! NO ONE DOES! ~PRETENDING TO BE LAUGHING WITH ME WHEN OBVIOUSLY YOU WERE JUST LAUGHING AT ME THE WHOLE TIME. 


HATE TO TELL YOU THIS GIRLS BUT YOU ARE THE FOOLS,NOT ME!! BEING DISABLED IS NOT A LIFE CHOICE,BEING CRUEL IS!
i did chose NOT to block you,but to unfollow you! and yes i unfollowed many people who you follow  or who follow you.it will be up to them as to whether or not they continue to follow me and if they chose to interact with me.i do however ask that they only do so with honest intentions!
 i do realize some of them are your collateral damage and have done nothing wrong. however,i need all to  know i am not here to be popular,i am not here because i am starving for attention,affection,pitty or sympathy! 


i am here to socialize with positive people who accept themselves and others,who respect themselves and others,who are honest,caring,giving and appreciative of the same in others. 
i am here to raise awareness of #MOYAMOYADISEASE and to support and acknowledge many other causes as well. i am here to enjoy many of my personal INTERESTS i have had longer than my disabilities.
also, to interact at times with those who have achieved fame in varied forms,with talent,hard work and dedication. i would much rather share a joke,a smile,or a moment of shared interest with them,than to ever buy a tabloid filled with the same senseless, ignorant fodder i was faced with  last night.


i'm not saying i am perfect and never make a mistake or a bad choice,i'm being honest enough with myself and with you to say,I AM NOT PERFECT,I AM FLAWED AND THO I MAY SAY THE WRONG THING OR LAUGH AT THE WRONG TIME ,IT IS NEVER MY INTENTION TO INSULT OR MISTREAT ANYONE!!! AND I WOULD APPRECIATE THE SAME IN RETURN...

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

NEW REPORT FROM THE THE NATIONAL STOKE ASSOCIATION


  Moyamoya characteristics in the USA defined
By Eleanor McDermid
30 March 2012
Neurosurgery 2012; Advance online publication
MedWire News: The diagnosis of moyamoya disorder and associated ischemic stroke has increased over recent years in the USA, say researchers who characterized a large cohort of patients.
Using the US Nationwide Inpatient Sample, Robert Starke (University of Virginia, Charlottesville, USA) and colleagues identified 2280 patients with moyamoya disorder admitted to hospital during 2002-2008. This equated to a national annual admission rate of about 0.57 per 100,000 people.
The number of admissions for moyamoya disorder roughly doubled between 2002 and 2008. "This may be due to an increased incidence of the disease or increased awareness of the disease, improved imaging modalities, and an increase in the incidence of the diagnosis of moyamoya phenomena as the etiology behind strokes," the researchers write in Neurosurgery.
Ischemic stroke was more common than hemorrhagic stroke in adults (18.8 vs 11.0%) and children (16.4 vs 3.3%). The overall proportion of patients with diagnosed with ischemic stroke rose significantly over the study period, from less than 15% to more than 20%, whereas diagnosis of hemorrhagic stroke remained stable over time.
There were more women than men in the cohort, at 72% versus 28%, and the mean and median age at presentation was 32 years. This unimodal pattern remained when Starke et al divided the patients into Asian and non-Asian races. They note that the established pattern in Asian populations is of two peaks of presentation: the first during childhood and the second in adulthood.
The team adds that moyamoya was previously thought to affect primarily Asians, yet White people accounted for 49% of the current cohort, with Black people accounting for 24%, and Asian and Hispanic races for 11% each. This reflects US demographics, rather than being weighted towards Asians, say Starke et al.
Use of extracranial-to-intracranial bypass increased over the study period, especially among patients with ischemic stroke, yet in-hospital mortality after bypass was low. However, the team says that there "may be a reluctance to operate on more fragile patients" and that surgeons may wait for patients with acute symptoms to stabilize before operating, accounting for the low mortality rate.
MedWire (www.medwire-news.md) is an independent clinical news service provided by Springer Healthcare Limited. © Springer Healthcare Ltd; 2012

Thursday, March 15, 2012

my post traumatic stress...

post traumatic stress and compartmentalizing.
compartmentalizing is the sorting,separating and organizing of the events of your life into compartments of the brain so that there is a place for everything and everything is in it's place. it;s a coping technique to help find and restore order. kind of like a closet full of memories categorized by intensity of joy or pain. however,post traumatic stress has triggers which cause a physical and emotional reaction sometimes equal to the original event/s. meaning a similar event,a smell,a sound,a likeness to a person or place from the original emotional and or physical injury can bring back the original actions reaction as anything from an uncomfortable feeling, all the way to reliving the original trauma. if 1 or more compartments is too full and is triggered by one or more of these senses,the pressure must escape. releasing some or all contents of said compartment/s.

some triggers happen right in front of your minds eye stopping you in your tracks and taking your breath away, sending you into a silent slow motion as moments and or years of your life fall to the ground or come straight at you sticking to you as if you are a caterpillar in their cocoon or a bound and gagged captive. sometimes erupting to incredible heights above you and while knowing the destruction has just begun and it's not until they start to descend that you learn what form they have taken in the atmosphere  ...fire,ice,written pages,living memories on shards of glass,a word or words, a face or faces,a voice or voices, 1 set of hands or many,(yes these are metaphors and thoughts not delusions or hallucinations) some quite as a mouse in the farthest recesses of your mind, only showing themselves as illusions in distorted dreams and nightmares,until your brain recognizes 1 or more and finds the trigger thus finally remembering where it fits into this puzzle of chaos and destruction that is your life.

recognizing and knowing as many of your triggers as you can, may help ease the reaction and over time as you gain more understanding of your triggers and your reactions the more space you can put between them the better. however it's important to remember that at anytime, without warning something  can happen in your life that can close that gap in an instant and you have to practice coping techniques even when you have no symptoms in an effort to retrain your brain and body to respond to a new event as a single event thus dismantling the triggers to previous traumas so as to better understand the reality of the level of a new trauma.

ok,it's 3am and i awoke from a strange dream with all of this swirling inside me about 11:30 pm... i can no longer tell if i'm making any kind of sense right now due to the exhaustion of my brain and the need for more sleep. even so i am posting this now,though i may change it another day.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND UNDERSTANDING!!! <3

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

to president BARACK OBAMA this is just 1 life affected by 1 rare disease


A rare disease in the smallest of patients

By Madison Park, CNN
updated 7:45 AM EDT, Wed March 14, 2012
Brantley Jacobs has been diagnosed with Klippel-Trenaunay syndrome.
Brantley Jacobs has been diagnosed with Klippel-Trenaunay syndrome.

STORY HIGHLIGHTS
  • Brantley was born with 25% of his birth weight coming from a malformed leg
  • Young parents are usually the people who have to deal with rare diseases
  • In cases like these, parents often feel frustrated and helpless
(CNN) -- Haleigh Jacobs and her husband, David, have spent the last two months in the hospital, hovering over their 8-pound newborn, Brantley. He has yet to spend a day outside the incubator, smell fresh air or go home to meet his siblings.
Brantley's right leg juts out like a reddish brown lump of flesh that is thicker than his torso. His toes, indistinguishable from each other, look like dimples. The leg is studded with damaged blood vessels, veins and capillaries that look like raisins. Another lump protrudes from his abdomen.
"It is frustrating," his mother said. "For one, being a parent, you feel helpless, and then, you've got a baby that's hurting."
But this is an improvement from what Brantley has endured. He had a rectal tear that spontaneously gushed blood and fluids. That has been healing.
For families dealing with rare diseases, the road to a diagnosis is a long, winding one, riddled with confusion, complications and expenses. Although pop culture has left an impression that there is a genius doctor somewhere, like the fictional Dr. House who can identify and cure rare diseases, the reality is far different.
After the diagnosis, the lack of answers or effective treatment can be completely unsatisfying.
"Two-thirds of the people with rare diseases are children, because these are genetic diseases," said Mary Dunkle, the vice president for communications at the National Organization for Rare Disorders. "It's very often young parents with a new baby and they're very, very worried and very much in unfamiliar territory."
On December 28, the Jacobses, who are from Blanchard,Oklahoma, welcomed their second son. Brantley Lane Jacobs was born eight weeks early.
"I didn't get to see him," Haleigh Jacobs said, about after the birth. "But I saw his leg. It was hard not to see his leg. ... I started bawling."
Brantley weighed 4 pounds, 3 ounces. His leg weighed 1 pound.
Haleigh Jacobs cuddles her 2-month-old son, Brantley, who has severe medical problems.
Haleigh Jacobs cuddles her 2-month-old son, Brantley, who has severe medical problems.
The leg had puffed up because of a buildup of blood vessels, called hermangioma. Theskin of his legs had stretched thin to encase the increasing swelling and had become fragile like a burn patient's. The leg required constant wrapping and moisturizing to prevent chapping and bleeding.
Jacobs had learned before giving birth there was something unusual about her third baby. Twenty-one weeks into her pregnancy, she and her husband went to get an ultrasound to find out whether the baby was a boy or a girl. The specialists noticed an unusual lump on the fetus.
When he was delivered, Brantley's physical state was perplexing.
The doctors were baffled, Jacobs said. The swelling on Brantley's leg kept growing. Every time Brantley was moved or his leg touched, he would wince or scream.
The hole near his rectum would bleed whenever someone tried to wipe him during a diaper change.
Brantley has never been breastfed, because he's too fragile. His mother gingerly feeds him with a bottle, worried that any jerks or sudden movements could bother his skin.
His doctors in Oklahoma called specialists and sent images and test results to other pediatricians and specialists around the country. Maybe, one of the doctor speculated, Brantley had Klippel-Trenaunay syndrome, a rare childhood genetic disease.
Another doctor suggested it could be CLOVES Syndrome, another rare vascular disease that causes malformations and has only been found in 80 people. Another doctor thought it could be a combination of both diseases, possibly a new condition.
There are almost 7,000 rare diseases in the United States, according to the National Organization for Rare Disorders.
The swelling in Brantley\'s leg increased after birth.
The swelling in Brantley's leg increased after birth.
These tend to be complex diseases," said Dunkle. "It's really not in any way bashing the professional medical community. People have a hard time getting a diagnosis, it's obviously distressing and difficult for families and patients."
The parents wanted to find someone who could help their son. Haleigh Jacobs e-mailed doctors and worked with doctors in Oklahoma to get referrals to other hospitals.
In mid-February, Brantley was referred to Arkansas Children's Hospital in Little Rock. Jacobs took a leave from her job as a dispatcher for the police department and so did her husband, who works for a company that locates and marks underground gas and electric lines.
Families are often encouraged to go to teaching hospitals on the theory that they will have a better chance there of interacting with medical professionals who may have seen something similar to their situations.
When Brantley arrived in Arkansas, the diagnosis was Klippel-Trenaunay syndrome, a rare disorder that appears in one in 100,000 children, said Dr. Gresham Richter, associate professor at the University of Arkansas for medical sciences.
Richter sees about 30 cases a year at the hospital. The way Brantley presented with the disease was so unusual Richter said he has only seen it in two other patients.
Some Klippel-Trenaunay patients have internal bleeding because of the malformation of blood vessels in organs such as the liver, heart, lungs and rectum. They usually have port wine marks on the skin and the growth of masses of blood vessels and varicose veins.
"It's usually a cutaneous birthmark that is red and inflamed. It becomes bigger and bigger," Richter said. "It usually does not appear at birth like Brantley's does. It's a rare form of KTS, and the one that is most dangerous because it grows very quickly."
The swelling in Brantley's leg is caused by accumulating lymphatic fluids collecting in his leg. The muscles, tendons and bones in Brantley's right leg are being infiltrated, Richter said.
There is no cure for the disease. This happens often in orphan and rare diseases.
"The worst thing is to get a diagnosis and find out there's no treatment, no support group," Dunkle said. Sometimes that's how patient advocacy groups are formed, she added.
Although the appearance of Klippel-Trenaunay syndrome is shocking, Richter said patients can have a normal life expectancy.
Brantley will need laser surgery continually to remove the damaged blood vessels in his leg. The surgery does not address the underlying cause of the disease, which is believed to be genetic.
His leg will have to be amputated at some point, Richter said.
Brantley's parents are seeking a second opinion and another hospital as they contemplate their next step. They brought Brantley home for the first time this week. But the homecoming has been overshadowed by a looming medical decision.
"We have been going back and forth," she said. "Do we tell them to take the leg? Is he going to be mad at us when he gets older?"
Her husband added that when they first learned of the malformation during pregnancy, they were given two options: abort Brantley or give birth and see what happens.
"That was an easy decision on our part," he said. "This whole leg amputation, it has been left up to us. That's a tough decision because the decisions we have to make have nothing to do with us. It's for the betterment of him. Do we leave the leg and hope someone can fix it three or four years down the line?"

Monday, March 12, 2012

2nd LETTER TO PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES BARACK OBAMA continued...

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE ...


                                                                        PLEASE!!!!


i came onto twitter and then started this blog to try to raise awareness of MOYAMOYA DISEASE in hopes that others would not go through the same things i have for almost twenty years. especially infants and children. http://www.mendeley.com/research/moyamoya-disease-early-infancy-case-report-literature-review/#page-1  one of the authors of this paper,OSAMA O ZAIDAT is my neurology specialist at THE WISCONSIN MEDICAL COLLEGE AND FROEDTERT HOSPITAL MILWAUKEE.


i am at least forth generation of strokes and brain aneurysms and there is no way of knowing if any of those before me had  MOYAMOYA DISEASE. from 1993 to 2008 i was misdiagnosed.


there was not much information about MOYAMOYA when i was diagnosed, then in april of 2009 that started to change when medical researchers in texas found a single gene defect http://www.health.am/ab/more/single-gene-defect-can-lead-to-stroke/  http://www.bio-medicine.org/biology-news-1/Single-gene-defect-can-cause-stroke--other-artery-diseases-8267-1/

since that time (to the best of MY knowledge) researchers have found 2 more genes associated with MOYAMOYA and several other diseases sometimes associated with MOYAMOYA  http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/1180952-overview#aw2aab6b2b2aa  http://www.mendeley.com/research/seckel-syndrome-and-moyamoya/  http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20358609  http://www.pr-inside.com/print813606.htm  http://content.karger.com/produktedb/produkte.asp?typ=fulltext&file=000204907  http://www.brain-aneurysm.com/mmd.html

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW STATISTICS CAN MEASURE WHICH DISEASES ARE RARE WHEN THE MAJORITY OF DOCTORS HAVE NEVER HEARD OF THEM AND THEREFORE NOT BEING QUALIFIED TO TEST FOR, TREAT OR EVEN RECOGNIZE THESE DISEASES !!!!!!!!


ALSO ALL PATIENTS OF  THESE 7,000 (  http://rareproject.org/RARElist/  ) RARE DISEASES COLLECTIVELY ADDS UP  TO A LARGE GROUP OF VOTERS!!!!!


please feel free to send a comment anytime,i would appreciate your  opinions!!!!!! ;)

Saturday, March 10, 2012

A LETTER TO PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA

dear  mr. president,i learned in 2008 that i have MOYAMOYA DISEASE, in 2009 it was decided i would have brain surgery, 2010 it was decided i would NOT be having brain surgery after one report from 1996 was finally found in my medical records comparing  an MRI in 1996 to an MRI in 1994.the report from 1996 perfectly described my having moyamoya disease as far back as the MRI done in 1994. i was never told i had blockages forming in my right internal carotid artery (or that surgery was suggested) or that i had blockage forming in my right mid cerebral artery or that i had tangled blood vessels. somehow all of this along with a brain bleed in 1993 was considered a one time vascular event. i am dyslexic with half a brain and even i can see the math does not add up.
 it was suggested to me that i should pursue a medical malpractice suit as this was definitely more than simple misdiagnosis. i spoke on the phone with several top medical malpractice attorneys and the all said the same thing. WISCONSIN MEDICAL MALPRACTICE STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS IS 3 TO 5 YEARS AFTER THE EVENT AND HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH WHEN THE PATIENT FINDS OUT ABOUT IT. THEY ALL SAID IT'S AN UNFAIR LAW BUT IT'S STILL THE LAW.IN MY OPINION AN UNFAIR LAW AS SUCH IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL.
ALSO,I BELIEVE THERE SHOULD BE NO STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS ON MEDICAL MALPRACTICE. THEY PAY INSURANCE FOR IT, THEY TAKE AN OATH TO DUE NO HARM...THEY SHOULD BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THERE ACTIONS.
THE ONLY ONES WHO BENEFIT FROM THESE LAWS ARE THE INSURANCE COMPANIES AND THE DRs. WHO KEEP PRACTICING AS LONG AS THEY ARE NOT CAUGHT IN TIME,WHO KNOW'S HOW MANY ARE REPEAT OFFENDERS?

FEB 2011 i volunteered for clinical testing because my case is so different from other cases,i have basically blown all statistics for adult MOYAMOYA DISEASE out of the water.both my specialist and i were very excited about doing clinical tests on me,hoping  i may hold some answers they have not yet seen. i also signed legal papers a few months ago to donate my body (when i'm done with it,lol) for further research of MOYAMOYA DISEASE,STROKE AND OTHER RELATED VASCULAR DISEASES. http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/1180952-overview#aw2aab6b2b2aa this is just one article about MOYAMOYA DISEASE and other diseases found to be in association with MOYAMOYA!!!!!!

I AM ANGRY!! I AM HURT!! I AM DEVASTATED TO THINK IF MY BODY HOLDS EVEN ONE ANSWER TO HELP TREAT ONE OTHER PERSON OR TO SAVE ONE LIFE THAT ANSWER MAY BASICALLY BE THROWN AWAY!!

7,000 rare diseases list 2012 THERE IS NOTHING YOU OR ANYONE ELSE CAN SAY TO ME THAT COULD JUSTIFY CUTTING RESEARCH FUNDING FOR RARE DISEASES,WITH IT YOU TAKE AWAY ALL HOPE NOT JUST FOR US BUT FOR EACH PERSON AFTER US. YOU ARE DENYING MEDICAL TREATMENT TO MEDICAL MINORITIES !! WHERE ARE OUR RIGHTS?????
http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/the-rare-list---you-must-see-it-to-believe-it-138468089.html THIS IS DISCRIMINATION OF MEDICAL MINORITIES AND PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES!!!

and the meek shall inherit the earth...revised

       seems the world is turning backwards,the oceans are flowing inland, 
droughts are lasting longer,growing larger only to be followed by floods that wash away anything and anyone left in their path. earthquakes in unusual places. tsunamis, tornado outbreaks, hurricanes all bringing more mass destruction, with death tolls as we ourselves have never seen before,
the climate is changing we must adapt.
       war, genocide, greed, hate, fear and petty bickering bring more destruction and devastation devouring more time, energy, money and lives. all while it could be put to better use saving lives! no one is winning here,everyone is losing! violence begets violence, hate begets hate. has history taught us nothing? with all our planning for the future we forget the past and ignore today...
       but NOW is the time for a meeting of the minds that what we have been doing is not working. before it is too late we must live and let live, learn to work together to make what SEEMS impossible,possible!
         we must lay our weapons down, set aside our differences ...we must pick up our tools and clean up,rebuilding and replenish what has been lost.i'm not talking bigger's better or who has the most wins. ...i'm talking,saving the most lives,while creating the best quality of living for everyone everywhere!! not with the most expensive,not with the most elaborate...but,the most humble...most basic necessities for all first and foremost.
           we must have equality,honesty and acceptance in health care,nutrition, housing, education and medical research for all. we must have acceptance,respect and equality of race, age, gender,disability,religion, sexual orientation, same sex marriage and so much more!!!!! 
ALSO:what good comes from spending money to find more planets, as we self destruct?

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

something inside sang this to me, ijust wrote it down...




runnin time, runnin time, runnin on sorrow 
runnin time. runnin time. runnin on borrowed time 


with a tortured soul,a shattered heart and a brain that just can't keep up


you all move on without me,     ..... and i say go on go,i'll be the one to stay  
you all leave before me,              .....and i say go on go,i'll take all your pain,


                 


              just has long as you are fine,just as long as you arrive 


              so i stand in line and wait my time and try hard to make the time pass by                                 
             so i stand in line and wait my time as life just passes me by 


             i learned real well to wait for life since about the age of three


            you may see the glass half empty,i see it's still half full
           i carry it more gentle now and take care not to let it fall,
           when yours is running out i will set mine aside to hold you gently as i say                     
           goodbye 
           cuz i know someday i'll see you again,i'll see you on the other side
           as i pick up the glass one more time i can see it's evaporating
           yes i admit some times i find it exasperating,then i remember 
           with his love is how i do it 


           someday when they cut me open maybe they will see
           the scars that hide  
           while they have me under their looking glass
            maybe they will read my mind,if they do,
           i pray they take their time to see the truth's inside of me
           then publish them for all to see
         
           that the daggers words written in my blood were not written by me
           but by many intruders and cowards who ran and pointed the blame at me
           that every time the stones were thrown i took the hand God offered me
           to stand again to face another, to walk with Jesus under cloak of night 
           to a place of rest and healing and yes at times he has carried me
           
(a short time ago i woke with music in my head, these words followed it out of me. i have made slight changes,as parts were inaudible to me at the time so i set it aside till now. i'm posting it now because even tho it's not spit and polished or pretty. it is a part of me i don't want set aside and forgotten! hopefully someone will understand it's meaning and know them self a bit better)

Thursday, January 12, 2012

ARE YOU SICK OR IS IT A JOKE?

someone asked me yesterday 'are you sick or is it a joke?' maybe it's my own fault that someone would feel the need to ask me such a question. maybe i have not explained enough. maybe i have not complained enough. maybe i've become too good at hiding it. maybe i should say more about what i live with everyday,because maybe they think i'm looking for personal attention. maybe they think if all i have said about my disease were true that i should be in a nursing home unable to function think or speak. truth is by all accounts...i should be.


i need to live in a controlled environment as i have sensitivities to temperature,light and sound, which are due to brain damage caused by numerous ischemic strokes which have deprived approximately half of my brain of blood and oxygen in progression with each of these strokes over the last 19 years at which time i had my 1 and only hemorrhagic stroke aka brain bleed. i was working out with weights at a gym at the time. after about a year of numerous tests i was told i had lyme disease and the brain bleed was most likely a one time vascular event. i was told i could not donate blood or organs after having lyme disease and that it would be best not to have another child as i may not carry to term or if i did i and the baby would be at high risk of death during delivery. i was also diagnosed with hypertention which had started a few months before the brain bleed,also that i now had fibromyalgia  and could end up in a wheel chair within 10 years (i am at 18 yrs. and still walking with the use of a rolator walker for 2 years now).

i am an asthmatic with many allergies,have been since early childhood, migraines since i was 19,i have chronic lyme disease,arthritis throughout my body,degenerative disc/joint disease including 3 sections of my spine-1 being my neck,i have gerd, ibs, PTSD, vertigo,high cholesterol, low potassium and vitamin d,essential tremors and uncontrolled muscle movements (which sometimes resemble cerebral palsy),i have sleep disturbances and altered states of consciousness from MOYAMOYA DISEASE which i was finally properly diagnosed with in december of 2008 and has been the cause of the blockages in my blood vessels and arteries in my brain,plus the small defective new blood vessels which grow after a blockage in an attempt to supply the brain with blood and oxygen,however with MOYAMOYA DISEASE they grow skinny and tangled leaving with looks like a puff of smoke on a brain angiogram. also,with most of these illnesses and symptoms comes pain. 


almost every single moment there is pain somewhere in your body... you can adjust to pain after living with it for a while, but as the illnesses add up so does the pain,you readjust your pain level again,and again,and again. you can get to the point where it's normal to have a pain level of 5 and not consciously be aware of it it;s like playing cards you can have three 5's and adjust,meaning 3 areas throughout your body with a pain level of 5 all at the same time,but then you make the simplest move or stay still for too long and suddenly pain levels start spiking. it can be as simple as one spot goes up to an 8 or each of the 3 spots go up to an 8 OR you may suddenly go from pain in the tops of your feet at a five jump to a level 8 and extend from your toes to your hips with it feeling as though someone is stretching and pulling all your veins,tendons and arteries out of your legs thru the tips of your toes. pain,tremors,uncontrolled muscle movements,vision problems.lost time episodes and more all being controlled by a brain that no longer has normal active transmission of signals to you body or even your mouth for normal speech or thought. have you ever been in the middle of a sentence and not only forget what you were saying but suddenly feel like your brain has in an instant gone from turning clockwise to suddenly turning counter clockwise,it's as if your brain is suddenly weightless and adrift or have you ever been driving and hit black ice and totally lost control of your car and its all in fast motion then suddenly the car stops and it all turns to  slow motion. that is what it's like,but it is the sensation of your brain moving out of control and an instance of not knowing which end is up.then your brain suddenly has no sense of direction or coherency,your brain and your body become totally unsynchronized and confused or leaving you lethargic and sometimes in a slumped stare. which i can sense i am headed for right now,so i need to stop for today. #MOYAMOYADISEASE

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

the life of my brother mark...

   mark was delightful,heartfelt,empathetic,bright,funny,handsome,talented,artistic,gifted. one Christmas he decided we needed a fireplace to hang the stockings from,so he made one from cardboard. he painted it to look as if it were made of red bricks,made a fake log fire with standing flames also made of cardboard ans colored yellow then a red nightlight placed between the fake logs and flames.it even had the set of the objects that stands in front holding the poker and broom. it was really quite amazing and yes it even held the stockings when the were filled.
   he also taught me how to wrap presents with multiple papers, making different angles cross the boxes and how to make bows of different shapes and sizes,how to lay ribbon to follow and hide the seam of the different papers,how to weave the ribbon pieces into different patterns to frame the bows and take old Christmas cards and cut them into gift cards or little standing figures into little scenes.


    for halloween he wood make a spook house in what was called the L-barn. he wood hang masks on the walls with flashlights shining upward under their chins,brooms were placed into holes in the floor and dressed in scary costumes and from below him would push them up through the floor to scare us when we got near (and there were plenty of holes so he could change the room between tours). there were boards balanced so you would walk up till it tipped straight ad then walk down the other side. he would charge us a penny each time we went through and when we ran out he would give them back so we could do it all over again. he had just has much fun recreating it for us as we did being surprised every time.
    
    mark somehow new at a very young age that farming would not be his lifes work,he started singing solos at school,performing the supporting role of freddy in my fair lady when he was 13 and singing at weddings while still a boy soprano. at 15 he went on to join THE KIDS FROM WISCONSIN,which included being the opening act at the state fair grandstand for such acts as SONNY+CHER,PAUL REVERE AND THE RAIDERS,CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL,RED SKELTON AND MORE, during the school year he would also perform at waukesha civic theater. he was the first male cheerleader in mukwonago schools history and also the first male gymnast. after high school he went on to THE BROTHERS AND SISTERS touring and performing at places like DISNEY WORLD,plays in milwaukee at center stage dinner theater and a tent theater of which i cannot recall the name,i want to say the carousel tho i'm just not clear on that.


       then he was off to chicago for a while,then LAS VEGAS at the LIDO,from there it was on to PARIS to perform at THE LIDO DE PARIS with SHIRLEY MACLAINE. after which worked on a NORWEGIAN cruise line on THE ROYAL VIKING SEA an elite cruise ship that cruised completely around the world...passengers could travel part of the trip or all. i believe it was after this that he got his favorite job of all,TOURING WITH THE LOVELY AND TALENTED MITZI GAYNOR she treated 'her boys' like family. MS. GAYNOR note and flowers for our mothers funeral in 1987 just months after we had seen the show in milwaukee.


        i had just gotten married a few months before mom died of cancer,then in 1989 i was finally able to get pregnant,that thanksgiving mark was home...we were all at dads for thanksgiving dinner,mark got up from the table and picked up an old heavy wooden cutting board we had had forever.but, this time as mark picked it up with one hand,from next to the stove,it broke and the largest piece swung down and caught him in the arm causing him to bleed. there was much commotion happening at the table with everyone talking and finishing the meal. somehow, even though he was just 3 feet away,i was the only one who saw marks reaction when he saw the blood running down his arm or to see him place the cutting board in the sink and to hear him say 'NO ONE TOUCH THE CUTTING BOARD IT HAS BLOOD ON IT. it was a surreal moment,it felt as though mark and i were suddenly moving at a different pace from everyone else. they were at normal speed and sound totally unaware anything had happened...while he and i seemed to be slowing down and speeding up,each at our own pace...it was all out of sync.
      i got up from the table and immediately poured straight bleach on the cutting board in the sink making sure not to touch it.i then went to mark and told him what i had done...and asked if i could help him, he said NO. he was quite upset and kept saying how stupid it was for him to break the board that way. 


                  it's late,i'm very tired and have an appointment here in the morning...i will try to continue this tomorrow if i'm able...








  

Sunday, December 18, 2011

the way i remember life on the farm...

       ...once upon a time there was a little girl who lived on a farm ...she played amongst the apple trees. one tree had branches that were broken in such a way as to hang down around her as if to be the rooms of a little house. she would play in there for hours. if she listened closely, as a breeze would pass through,she could hear Gods promise of her children playing, as she swept the floor with a bundle of branches,made coffee for her husband,soon to be home,in a  porcelain covered  coffee pot, with the rusty bottom,on her wooden palate stove. soon she would hear her mother calling and she would tuck the children in and leave a cup of coffee on the kitchen table...
      ...skipping off to be the child again. summer would bring lots of visitors,from near and far,family and friends were welcome anytime and strangers with stalled cars too. there was always a cup of coffee to be shared. summer meant haying bees, when family friends and relatives would bring their families out to the farm for a day of harvesting a lot of hay.the men in the fields,the women in the kitchen, the kids all playing. the milk house sinks were filled with ice water for 1 holding water melons,the other bottles of white rock sodas' with flavors of cream soda,black cherry,root beer,grape,orange,lemon-lime and cola. all bottled right in waukesha and sold in wooden crates. the women would be cooking up a storm of everything from hot dogs,sloppy joes, fresh fried chickens,potato salad, fresh cucumber w/onion and vinegar salad,devils food cake w/white frosting,cherry jello w/fresh raw home made whipped cream and hand cracked walnuts all whipped together,strawberry jello w/bananas, fresh picked apple pies,fresh picked rhubarb pies and of course home canned pickles,crab apples and more...  ...baseball  in the front yard-sometimes including the dogs, water fights in the back. sitting on the front porch to tie my keds and looking up just in time to see cousin kyle walk right off the top of a wagon full of hay and landing in a puff of dust like a cartoon character. then running fast as i could to his side to see if he was o'k. then of course laughing at him the rest of the day once finding out,thankfully, he just had the wind knocked out of him.
                           ...so much hay,so much food,so much work,so much fun,so much love...
    
    ...soon it was fall, time for high school football games, time for canning vegetables from the garden, time for the crisp fall air to seep in through the open evening windows as though it had traveled miles just to mingle with the aromas and sounds of moms' canning...   ...and bringing with it the smell of autum, the sound of the tractor and corn picker running in the darkness,only to slide the headlights across the walls each time it turned the corner by the road,and if the wind was just right you could either hear the sounds of the milking machines or an owl atop the barn or some nights, after the machines were quiet, you could hear the howlings of the family of red foxes' in the back hills. evenings also meant 'school nights' and home work and falling asleep either to the comforting sounds of mark singing songs for classes or plays or the soothing sound of wayne practicing his saxophone. they were each extremely talented. as they grew older mark went from an outstanding boy soprano to a rich baritone and once we all started voice lessons,we found wayne had an amazingly beautiful tenor voice,martha had a beautifully gentle alto,while i grew into a girl soprano with the rare quality of a BOY soprano(or so i was once told by maragret hawkins).
                 
              ...to hopefully be continued another day,please remember i am not a writer but a thinker...who is also a dyslexic stroke victim with basically half a brain from #MOYAMOYADISEASE ... so no need to tell me i cannot write or spell... i already know! however i do hope my thoughts and memories have touched you in some manner... also: thank you for stopping by! :)