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Sunday, June 16, 2013

spinning plates...

my last post consisted of the following words...

E-motion sickness of chronic illness

a theme park closes

a roller coaster continues

rescue eludes me
with worry
i wait

he sits beside me
his love enwraps me
i am reminded i believe

as my journey continues
i still believe
tho more often 
i forget a reader these words may have seemed a gibberish scribble and maybe they are... i will be the first to admit i am not a writer by any studied standard... i merely translate my thoughts to paper or page... they come to you from a place inside me i myself have no understanding of... at times it fascinates me, other times it comforts me and yet sometimes it frustrates me, toys with me's too much too fast,it's too little too slow, it time travels to it's liking... to any moment of my memory or to dreams left unfulfilled... thoughts,emotions and words playing cat and mouse... where i am always the mouse... i must find them and place them on the page, anchor them before they get bored with their own game and escape my mind as invisible words on seemingly blank pages. for when anchored they start to flow thru me with such ease surely they must come from somewhere else, for how could i possibly know,think or feel all of these things...

so now to you i say... as i looked around twitter, reading so many others 
frustrations, anger, loneliness, loss, hopelessness and worry with their own long term chronic illness (or other life situation really) i could not simply sit by and do nothing. i closed my eyes and searched for words to paint these emotions into the best picture i could at the time. tho it's far from perfect i hoped i could convey an image of understanding that could give even just one person a sign saying you are not alone in this, you have the right to feel every emotion implanted into you by your illness and by those who do not understand. i wanted them to know their words were being heard, understood, validated and shared without judgement, without question...

when we are ready
we all have a right 
to enter the deepest darkest depths of ourselves 
to find all of our grief 
all of our sorrow 
all of our emotional pain

to bring it out into the open
look it in the eye
analyze it 
hate it
beat it to dust

or whatever else it takes us to know it
to understand it 
and to accept it for what it is

for until we accept it as part of us 
and not as all of us 
until we define it 
instead of letting it define us 

until we work through it
rather than go around it

we will will forever be on a 24 hour a day 7 day a week E-motion sickness roller coaster ride leaving us desolate forgotten constantly  repetitiously monotonously crying filled with worry waiting never doing 
never knowing he sits beside us,we will not believe 
for as our journey continues we will forget all but our own suffering

but we all have a choice 
it's not easy 
it takes time 
it takes hard work 
but we all have a choice  

learn to ask for help when you need it
choose the right help 
learn to talk yourself down off of the roller coaster 
remember to breathe when fear holds your breath
float if you feel you are drowning

bring yourself back one piece at a time,timing and balance are key...
whether we are talking illness, relationship, food, everything...

...remember the guys spinning the plates on the poles, the more plates you are spinning the easier it is to lose balance... a plate falls,it brakes
with illness you have to learn when to lay your plates down
i don't mean giving up, i'm talking about knowing your limits
laying your plates down so when you are ready 
you can spin them again or you can choose to set the table with them


1 comment:

  1. You may not be a writer but your words are so poignant and accurate! Thanks for them with all my heart, hun <3